A Poem for Killoe

The Men in the White & the Green

In the month of October

We were perfectly sober

As the light slowly gave way to the dark

Now it’s November

And still I remember

That fine Autumn day in Pearse Park

Ah yes I recall

Every kick of the ball

And how it all came to be

That the Connolly Cup

Was lifted up

By the men in the white and the green

With my brothers beside me

And a passion inside me

There’s something I need to declare

The depth of the pride

In a victorious side

Is a feeling one cannot compare

In the replayed game

The result was the same

Two teams bordering on the sublime

What was so nearly grief

Became ultimate relief

As we headed for extra time

Another slow start

Was bad for the heart

Everyone on the edge of their seat

Watching your dreams

Come apart at the seams

I’ll tell you is no easy feat

But Killoe dug their feet in

Refused to be beaten

Excelled in defence and attack

With score after score

We came to the fore

For Slashers there was no coming back

When the referee blew

That was the cue

For the celebrations to begin

The crowd they roared out

With a deafening shout

Pride bursting out from within

And then he stood up

And lifted the cup

The inspirational captain Joe Mc

It’s all about the crest

Displayed on your chest

And not the number on your back

The bridge they did pass

When they reached Carriglass
Bringing home the Sean Connolly Cup

Amongst the songs and the cheers

People raised whiskeys and beers

To the team that never gave up

It seems the Killoe man

Is a passionate fan

Wearing his heart on his sleeve

We’re the pride of the land

And as it says in the stand

All you’ve got to do is ‘BELIEVE’

As the records keep breaking

Other teams will be shaking

At the thoughts of facing our team

The boys from Killoe

The ultimate foe

The men in the white and the green

Poetry Corner

I Like Picking My Nose

I like picking my nose
And I don't care who knows

It's true, a red nose shows
I was picking my nose

But it was blocked you see
So try not to judge me

I could use a hankie
And you'd probably thank me

But I like picking my nose
And I don't care who knows


by Aron Fitzpatrick (2011)

Premier League Puns

1. AF: Hahnemann Tana
2. AF: Diaby Does Gallas
3. RH: Chamakh My Bitch Up·
4. AF: Don't Go Breaking My Hart·
5. RH: Bale Me Out ·
6. AF: All Dogs Go To Evans·
7. AF: A rabbit wouldn't but a Harewood·
8. AF: Alan Judge and jury·
9. RH: Crouching Tiger Hidden Defoe·
10. EB: Frying Panathinaikos
11. RH: West Ham Sandwiches·
12. RH: West Hamazing ·
13. RH: Dyslexia Untied ·
14. CB: Escape from Alcaraz
15. AF: Albrighton the Knight
16. CB: All kinds of Evra thing!
17. RH: Blood Diamanti
18. RH: Scott Carsonogenic
19. CB: The Wizard of Osman
20. CB: Defoe horses of the apocalypse!
21. RH: Friend or defoe?
22. CB: Lock, Stoke and two smoking barells!
23. CB: Reina Man
24. CB: Beattie phone home
25. RH: Boateng Constrictor
26. AF: Bent over backwards
27. RH: I Get Warnocked Down, But I Get Up Again
28. RH: Beyepass·
29. AF: Zamora see you, the more I want you ·
30. AF: Top Gera
31. RH: You never miss the water till Sidwells gone dry
32. AF: I'm off to the Stoor to buy a tin of beans.
33. CB: Terrys chocolate oranges!
34. AF: Hughes a big boy then?
35. RH: I wouldnt be Holden out too much hope for boltons midfield
36. AF: Salut. Je suis trés bien. Etuhu?
37. RH: Shake n' Blake!·
38. AF: I've got Ricketts ·
39. RH: IRN Bruma·
40. CB: Crouch potatoes!
41. AF: I'm so smart, I'm in Mensah.
42. RH: Kakuta-choo mrs robinson jesus loves you more than you will know, woah woah woah·
43. AF: Hey-ho da Silva away!
44. RH: Hitzl-doublecheese-sperger·
45. RH: Crystal Palacios
46. RH: Zuiverloonatic
47. RH: West Ham will be Boa-Mortefied with that 1st half performance
48. RH: They're on a Collison course for a real battering
49. RH: Absolutely Dyer showing
50. RH: Really gonna have to Piquionne themselves up at half time
51. RH: I dont think Moses himself could save Wigan now
52. CB: It isN'Zonzi TV
53. RH: Blackpool 3-0 up? Go Figueroa....
54. AF: We have a cattermole in the operation...
55. AF: Euell have to do better than that.
56. AF: Watson you're mind?
57. EB: Batman and Robinson
58. EB: Fellaini Distination 5
59. EB: Hughes up the Duff?
60. AF: Titus Shambles.
61. EB: Delap of Honour
62. AF: Downing in the dumps
63. AF: John the Baptiste
64. EB: Pride and Shorey
65. RH: You cant put the Cathcart before the horse
66. RH: Jersey Shorey
67. AF: Givet some welly
68. RH: Ormerod and dangerous
69. AF: You've got to be Krul to be kind.
70. AF: tinker Taylor soldier Naylor
71. RH: 'Taylor made'
72. AF: Wash N'Gog·
73. AF: High as a Kuyt
74. RH: Wigan's strikeforce were laughable today, more like Hugo Roflega and Mauro Boselol·
75. RH: I think citys 2nd choice goalkeeper has Given up on his hopes of playing for this year
76. RH: Such a Shayme·
77. RH: Hartbreaking for him, such a pity mancini had to Joe down that road
78. RH: Its A-dam disgrace that Johnson wasnt on from the start, I think he's Stilva best left winger in manchester
79. AF: The Whelan the bus goes round and round
80. AF: Diao know what I mean?
81. RH: Stop trying to Stoke the flames here, this status is over
82. EB: Arshavin or unshaven?
83. AF: Howard ya creepin?
84. AF: Mannone Actimel
85. AF: PynaHarper?
86. AF: ACHOO! Guzan-tight ·
87. EB: People who live in Gallas houses shouldn't throw Kenwyne Jones.
88. AF: Me and Kenwyne Jones...we got it goin' on
89. EB: Stoke Kenwyne the title
90. AF: Hold your Tonge
91. EB: Larsson attack
92. EB: Dutch Sturridge
93. EB: Beans means Hines
94. EB: Ranger Danger
95. EB: Take off your Kitson
96. AF: Get on your Kitson
97. EB: Jason Scotland the Brave
98. RH: Only our Riveros run free
99. AF: Shay will have to leave Man City, Given the circumstances...
100. RH: I will sail my vessel, till the Riveros runs dry
101. RH: Deep Riverosrock, purer than you
102. EB Arshavin? Yes, Shayve Given...
103. RH As i went down to the Riveros to pray, studyin about that good old day
104. EB Cry Me A Riveros
105. RH Riverosdance·
106. EB Old Man Riveros
107. RH Riverosside Motherfucker
108. AF Bridge over the Riveros Kwai
109. AF I bought a new jumper in Riveros Island
110. EB A Riveros runs through it
111. RH The Riverosboat song
112. EB Mystic Riveros·
113. RH Wilshereing is caring
114. AF Wayne Bridge over the Riveros Kwai
115. RH A Wayne Bridge too far
116. AF Ain't no mountain high, aint no valley low, aint no Riveros wide enough baby
117. AF Wayne Bridge over troubled water
118. EB Reid them and weep
119. GM You know a dream is like a Riveros
120. RH Reid between the lines
121. AF i don't have time now, i'll Reid it later...
122. EB Can you Reid my mind?
123. AF A Christmas Carroll
124. AF Every cloud has a Silva lining
125. AF Tears for Sears
126. EB Chin Upson
127. EB I Meite go to bed soon
128. AF Scratch scratch scratch. Sorry, i've got Anichebe-hind.
129. RH Mark my words, West Ham have Noble ambitions
130. RH Sears Tower
131. GM larry murphy is now a Freeman
132. RH Parallel Parkering
133. EB Parker round back
134. RH Stanislast chance saloon
135. GM Alex always makes a Song and dance outta everything
136. EB Carroll's cooked ham
137. RH Grandin Designs
138. RH Lets not make a mountain out of a Myhill
139. GM Cech it out
140. AF The Hoillet's blocked...·
141. RH Cechmate·
142. RH Its a Dunn deal
143. EB Riveros Phoenix
144. GM art Deco
145. RH Its a Dunne deal
146. EB Hutton dressed up as lamb
147. RH Walkers crisps
148. EB dunn dunn DUNNE!!
149. GM can i pay by Cech?
150. AF Baxter's Soup
151. AF Campbell's Soup
152. RH Naugh Naugh Naughton on heavens door
153. RH You buy Rose?
154. GM Brown sauce
155. AF Nothing you can say will ever take away from my Gueye
156. RH Lock Bostock and Two Smoking Barrels
157. EB Bale of hay
158. RH Square Bale
159. GM Cleverley played
160. AF Round Bale
161. AF Bale of briquettes
162. AF Bale force winds
163. EB Ata boy Boyata
164. RH Bale of straw
165. AF Ata Boyata-boy
166. EB Bale twine
167. GM Leon did his Best
168. RH A Cunningham move
169. EB It's De Laet to apologise·
170. RH Xisco systems web authentication redirect
171. RH Silage Bale·
172. AF Is the glas half Fuller?
173. GM Mc'Donaldson..ba da ba ba ba..I'm lovin it!
174. RH The Fraziers Edge
175. AF Under my umber Grella Grella
176. RH Nelsen Mandela.
177. EB Owen goal·
178. GM kanu believe it??
179. AF that's a bit Mutch
180. AF The Fraziers Routledge
181. AF Have you Nani spare change?
182. GM i've a Whitehead on my face
183. RH Routledge of Darkness
184. RH Mutch of a Mutchness
185. GM Wilkinson sword...the best a man can get
186. EB Two's Kompany
187. GM Perch fishing
188. RH Just take a Wright-Phillips turn here
189. AF The hanging gardens of Babel-on
190. RH Cole mine
191. RH Carlton house
192. EB Barnes door·
193. GM on the banks of the river Lee
194. GM you're horrid Keane arn't ya
195. AF Zenden the cavalry
196. EB Diamanti shite on this·
197. GM Knight and Day·
198. RH A Knights tale
199. EB Diame Bar
200. EB Kovac to where you came from·
201. RH From Russia with Lovenkrands
202. EB Song for a raggy boy
203. AF Wilshere there ya go
204. RH Parklife
205. RH The Song remains the same
206. RH A soldiers Song
207. RH Song for Ireland
208. AF Alright, don't make a Song and dance about it
209. AF The grass isn't always Greening on the other side
210. GM comin to the Poole for a swim?
211. RH Sorry, im just on Song
212. EB Sing us a Song you're the Pienaar man
213. RH Miller
214. RH Miller Lite
215. RH Miller Genuine Draft·
216. RH Far away hills look Greening
217. EB The Greening Greening grass of Home
218. EB Greening with envy
219. GM the Greening eyed monster
220. EB Sidwell for some
221. GM oh get Bent
222. AF The full Brunt
223. EB Demontagnac paddy whack give the dog a bone
224. AF Tá an Modric ag taffann
225. AF Baby you can drive my Carr
226. EB Stanislas but not least
227. RH There's whiskey in the Jara
228. EB You had me at Sandro
229. RH Lock Stockdale ad Two Smoking Barrels
230. RH Murphys Law·
231. RH Elm tree
232. EB Bent it like Beckham
233. MG pick-a-eboue·
234. RH Please return to Senderos·
235. MG pepe le pugh
236. AF Evra little thing she does is magic
237. GM Southern fried chicken
238. AF Koncheskey cough
239. AF Coid eile?
240. RH Somethin special...... unforgettable........ 50 Cent....... Justin....... Hangeland..... god damn.........
241. AF Caldwell's that ends well
242. GM the Rose of tralee
243. AF Free as a Baird
244. MG Vaughan more tune ·
245. AF Two pounds forty Spence
246. RH Knight everybody
247. MG De Jong and the short of it
248. GM Dann't leave us ·
249. AF Knight Knight·
250. GM we'll talk to-Marrow
251. AF to Marrow to Marrow i love you to Morrow
252. GM but if to Marrow never comes....
253. AF: Char-Cole Grella
254. RH The Gueye of the storm
255. EB Thanks Vermaelen that letter.
256. AF Can't sleep. I have a bad case of N'Zogbia
257. AF Toure de France
258. AF The loneliness of the tower Crainey driver
259. AF Dann Quixote
260. AF Straw-Berra and cream
261. AF Delap-idated
262. AF Van Damme it to hell!
263. AF Agger-vated assault
264. RH Zenden the Cavalieri
265. AF Sylvestre and Tweetie Pie
266. AF Jovanovic way but loose
267. AF His nan doesn't but Hernandez
268. RH My name is Jonas (Gutierrez)
269. AF There's awful trouble at the moment in the Hleb-anon.
270. RH I have an under active Hlebido
271. AF No I'm afraid Dave is on his lunch break at the moment. You'll have to Colback.
272. AF Hatem Ben looks Arfa decent player.
273. AF Here comes my Bebe, here he comes now
274. RH Have a pleasant beause-journey
275. RH Arsenal are on an odemWINGie and a prayer.....
276. RH Nice to see newcastle knocked off their Perch


AF: Aron Fitzpatrick
RH: Ruairí Henchy
EB: Eoin Burke
CB: Conor Byrne
GM: Grace McGauran
MG: Matthew Gray

The Stadium Announcer in Croke Park

Having recently attended the Ireland - France World Cup play-off in Croke Park (I'll not get into the whole handball thing) I felt it was of the utmost importance that I draw everyone's attention to the disgrace that is the stadium announcer in Croke Park.

What were the powers that be thinking when they put this moron in charge of announcements. Surely the main criteria you look for when hiring a stadium announcer is a voice which people enjoy listening to. Not only does this man not have such a voice, but he probably has THE most annoying voice in Ireland. If not in the whole world. The man sounds like his voice is just breaking and one wonders if perhaps someone is torturing him while he tries to speak. And maybe they should be...

Not only do I take issue with his voice, but also with his idiotic ramblings. "Let's hear it for the boys in Green". That's one of his gems. I mean seriously, did this guy go to university to study stadium announcement because I don't how anyone would be able to come up something so unique and inspiring as that without some sort of formal education? He also asked the crowd to give a warm welcome to the French team. Yea that's a good idea. Let's make sure our arch-nemeses feel right at home so they can crush our world cup dream. In fact, why don't we just cheer for them instead? And then, the coup-de-gras, the most infuriating thing he did all night, came just after Anelka had scored the only goal of the game. The crowd were silent, our chances of qualifying hung in the balance. It was a sickening blow. Up pops our beloved stadium announcer with a rousing consolation: "Our attendance today is 67000, congratulate yourselves on a tremendous turn-out". Yea cheers for that...

For anyone who has never heard him he sounds remarkably like Fr Austin Purcell, "the most boring priest in the world", from Fr Ted. The entire population of a village in Nigeria once sailed to their deaths on a crocodile-infested lake to escape him. He talks constantly an annoying high-pitched voice about the most trivial and irritating topics, including central heating and "favourite humming noises". When he was talking to Fr Jack, Ted had to stop him punching Father Austin. After Ted allows Father Jack to leave he cries out 'Thank Christ' and promptly locks Ted in instead. He also claimed to have known a woman once - "but she died soon afterward". In my humble opinion, I think the writer of Fr Ted may have heard the stadium announcer in question before they wrote Fr Austin's character. If I had to listen to the man for longer than 90 minutes I would consider escaping across a crocodile-infested lake. And I wonder is there a woman in his life, a Mrs. Stadium announcer? Well if there was she may well have died soon afterward. Bored to death no doubt. Frankly, I would much rather have a conversation regarding central heating and my favourite humming noise than listen to him.

If you thought, he couldn't be anymore annoying...you'd be wrong. The music he chooses to play before the game and at half time would be more at home in a teenage disco. Who wants to hear the Black Eyed Peas just before a crucial World Cup Play-off? Anybody? Just the stadium announcer then. Where was 'Brewing Up A Storm', 'Fields Of Athenry', and other such rousing Irish classics? When he finally played 'Put 'Em Under Pressure' it was just before kick-off and he had to cut it short. How's that for professionalism? Not only did he play the most boring and childish songs from the charts, but he also made sure to play a few french pop songs so our visitors wouldn't feel left out. That was a nice touch because in the end they didn't have much to cheer about.

I'm led to believe this guy also gets to be the stadium announcer for rugby games and down the road at the RDS. Apparently not being able to pronounce complicated foreign names and mixing up Leinstr and Ireland are not the criteria looked for when hiring a stadium announcer. He must have some connections somewhere. I think it's time for them to be severed, however. Unfortunately I very much doubt this will happen and my only hope for the future is that he doesn't get the job when the Aviva Stadium on Lansdowne Road opens...fingers crossed.

My First Blog

Well here we go. Has my life suddenly become so mundane that I now have to suffer the ignominy of having my own blog? Unfortunately yes, yes it has. My only consolation is that as I am currently on a year out and this will not be the case forever. Next September I will undoubtedly be living a fast-paced, exciting life. Undoubtedly...

But perhaps this blog will have its uses. Perhaps this will be the perfect medium for my unique brand of humour and idiosyncratic writing style? It may well be. If only anyone else bar me will actually read it...

So there we have it. My first blog entry. I hope it was as uninspiring for you as it was for me. xxx